My Story

I have had a weight problem since I was 10. For me, it started out with the diagnosis of asthma, followed by bout after bout of pneumonia along with a continual cycle of steroids and hospital visits. I had had a hard time in school before this. I was never popular and was embroiled in the kinds of wars little girls engage in at school. The ironic thing was that calling my worst enemy (at that time) fat was the ultimate put down for me. I did not expect to go from a 76 pounds to 120 pounds in the space of a few months. My face was very round (moon face, as it is called). I missed school for an entire quarter that year. When I came back, the girls were used to me not being around. I was very lonely, very sad, and my skin hurt from stretching and steroids.

That was the beginning of my fight against depression. I started to lose my ability to concentrate. I didn't want to go to school. I acted out. I alienated myself from the kids in my class on purpose (telling them that I wanted to be a nun to make them leave me alone). When I was home, I ate. I still remember the first time I felt like I needed to keep eating. My grandma made me a turkey sandwich with mayonnaise. When I was done, I turned around and asked for another one.

I still remember the hard candies in my parents' pantry and the cookies in my grandma's cookie jar. I remember the emptiness of eating them, candy after candy, cookie after cookie, as I tried to fill the hole in my heart, the loneliness, with food.

I still fight depression sometimes. I still want to medicate with food. The difference between me now and me a few years ago, is mostly in my attitude and what I have taught myself about diet and exercise and depression. I kind of fear sounding like an advertisement, but I lost 40 pounds, some in a healthy way and some not. I have also been able to take control of my depression and have taught myself effective ways to deal with it.

I want to use this blog to share what I've learned and to keep learning from people who have experienced similar things.